Christmas Eve

  I had a bad day today. Nothing in particular caused it, I guess it's a combination of things in my life. I'm not very healthy for one, I've been over 200 lbs for 2 weeks now plus my blood pressure is high and my head pounds for about 22 hours a day. My wife says "go to the dr." but we cant afford that. I've lost my religion. I havent cracked the bible in probably a year now.... i'd say i've read less than 20 times in the last 10 years. Christmas always makes me question my faith for some reason. i feel like i've lost myself and I'm too lazy to put the effort into finding that guy again. I've always been the one that others come to when THEY have a bad day. I  dont have bad days, see. Just today....   Since my wife is my only follower i'd like to say that i owe her a serious apology for taking some of my day out on her. I've caused her stress and drama today. Several people cause her stress and those people piss me off usually. Today it was me, though and i can only say im sorry. I dont even know whats wrong with me, she's looking for an explanation as to why i was such an ass today, but i simply cant put one into words.

  I'm struggling just to be me. The guy everyone likes, the guy who's always there and always a friend. I look around and except for my family, there's no one out there. I dont have any friends at all, just people who need me to do something for them.

  Of course, I'll shake this mood. I'll find myself again, I always do. I have a family that i love beyond imagination, a beautiful wife who loves me in spite of my failings, and 4 kids who dont get a choice about loving me, they just do. I'd die for these 5 people in a heartbeat. They are the core that my life revolves around. They love me fat, unhealthy, moody mad or whatever. They make my days worth living and they make most of my days wonderful. But, occasionally, i guess, i get selfish and I look at myself. I'm not sure i like myself anymore....

  It was just a bad day, and i feel better for writing this already. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day will be even better. That guy is inside me somewhere, and i will find him and bring him out for the world to marvel at. Tomorrow....

Merry Christmas (I love u sweetie)